mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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