Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
