He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Thank you for not boning my boss.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
