I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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