How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
