Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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