Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
