He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
