MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
