i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
