his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
