I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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