grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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