And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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