Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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