my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
