my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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