hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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