I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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