seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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