I've blown a few things in my day
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
