My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
