I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
