he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
