i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
