I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
