Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
