I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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