I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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