How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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