I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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