Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
