i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
