This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
tequila makes me forget i have legs
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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