With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
