he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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