I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
