I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Drake has all the answers
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
