So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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