My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
