How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
