I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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