I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
