im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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