i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Bring me that man meat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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