Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
