I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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