I haven't been this sober since birth.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What a dumb baby whore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
