in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
