I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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