I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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