do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
