woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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