remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
