During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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