Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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