That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
