My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My vagina is officially offended.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
PANTIES FOUND
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