make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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